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Why You’re Still Single -“The Why”

Welcome to the latest edition of The Why.

Everywhere you look the media is pushing you telling you who to follow, what to watch and when to watch it.   You’re even sometimes told how to do it all.  Truth is, here at American Live Wire we do a bit of that too.  The big difference is we also tell you why.

You ask the questions.  We provide the answers.

“Why am I still single?”

“Why am I still single?” you ask?  Talk show host Oprah Winfrey would say that question “sets you up for nothing but agony and self-doubt”.  For now though, let’s assume there’s nothing wrong with you.  (Mind you, we all have our faults but that’s another column for another day.  For now, let’s give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re not a full-blown psycho.)

still single

Why are you still single?

If you appreciated being single—and it is possible to do so–then you wouldn’t ask the question.  If your lifestyle is so busy you don’t have time for a relationship then you don’t have time to question  why you’re still single.  Ditto if you’ve just come out of a meaningful relationship and for one reason or another are not ready to re- ride the roller-coaster yet.  If you are still single and are asking yourself why then chances are you’re still single for one of the following common reasons culled from the merged minds of many online experts:

Personal Defenses: Almost everyone has been hurt in a relationship.  That’s why love songs sell and country music stars still have jobs. Unfortunately, this causes us to raise our personal defenses.  Psychologists say we start building walls and perceiving life “through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults” the moment we first experience any painful interaction.  Thus as we grow we become more defensive and protective of ourselves.  We avoid being too open or vulnerable and write off others too quickly without giving the relationship a chance.

Fear of Intimacy:  Our survival mechanisms kick in to protect our fantasies of what love should be like as opposed to how real relationships truly are. Our fears manifest themselves in different ways.  We worry about a potential partner “liking us too much”.  We become overly critical of the other person.  We might even engage “in nasty behavior” in order to ensure “we don’t get the loving responses” we claim we actually want.  While setting boundaries is a good thing because most of us can only handle so much closeness, we work against ourselves when we push others away.

Unhealthy Attractions: When we have our defenses in place, we select partners that are what Dr. Lisa Firestone of Psychology Today would graciously call “less than ideal”.  We unconsciously albeit intentionally choose partners who are emotionally distant and then point the finger at them when things go bad.  Firestone states: “We tend to feel  . . . hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.”  Translation: we do it to ourselves.

In fact, no matter how much you research the subject, the answer is almost always the same.  You are still single because you– consciously or unconsciously–choose to be.   Yes, real connections may oft’times seem rare but having a relationship is near impossible when we work against ourselves by closing ourselves off, dating the wrong people and pushing away the potentially right ones.

“Why am I still single?” you ask?  Now you know.

You ask the questions.  We provide the answers.

American Live Wire . . . Listen and be heard.

(Image courtesy of Bubblews)

About Will Phoenix

W. Scott Phoenix, B.A., B.S. was born in Hawaii, raised in Pennsylvania and resides in California. He has been a published writer since 1978. His work has appeared (under various names) in numerous places in print and online including Examiner.com. He is a single parent of three children and has also worked as an actor, singer and teacher. He has been employed by such publications as the Daily Collegian and the Los Angeles Times.