Welcome to the latest edition of The Why. “Why doesn’t whoop @ss come in bottles?” you ask? It’s another one-liner and yet it beats having to answer the question: “”Why do men stare at my @ss?”
The truth is, this is yet another one of those questions that requires some background before we even attempt to answer it. Some time ago it was not uncommon to hear a person say in a menacing tone: “Don’t make me open a can of Whoop Ass on you” or “Don’t make me open a can of Whoop Ass on your @ss!”
According to the Urban Dictionary this phrase, considered by some to be in danger of becoming as cliché and/or outdated as “Don’t go there” and “talk to the hand”, is a figure of speech meaning one is about to commit an act of violence or retribution generally employed as “open up a can of whoop-ass,” meaning to cause large amounts of pain an act of retribution.
Whoop Ass is also an energy drink from the Jones Soda Company. Reformulated and “helps in muscle recovery” or so says Jones Soda the manufacturers of canned Whoop Ass. Having covered all that, let’s consider comments from various online posters. They are almost always interesting if not entertaining, (Unfortunately, a technical error caused the names of the posters to be lost so we won’t be quoting them this time.)
There were some surprisingly significant suggestions this time. One online poster pointed out that if whoop@ss came in glass bottles then that would be a problem. After all, glass is clear and therefore you could see it coming. Thus it would pose much less of a threat.
Additionally, glass breaks. Aluminum cans don’t break. So that makes them easier to handle and carry. (Just make sure if you get a six-pack that you cut up those plastic ring carriers. We here at American Live Wire are environmentally-friendly. That’s why this isn’t printed on slices of trees. There was going to be a Lisa Simpsons reference here but we sometimes tire of pausing to wait for a few readers to stop and Google.)
It’s also currently illegal to grow your own whoop @ass . . . at least until someone determines it helps vets, folks who have glaucoma or kids with epilepsy. Keep an eye on Colorado.
Finally, rumor has it that Chuck Norris never opens a can of whoop @ss because he makes his own.” Who knew? Who knew you could still get away with Chuck Norris jokes.
Whoop @ss comes in cans (both literally and figuratively) because it’s more effective and convenient that way. It’s also a tradition.
Why doesn’t whoop @ss come in bottles? Now you know.
You ask the questions. We provide the answers.